I've been doing really well lately, and I've been pretty busy and everything has been so great. But when things slow down and it's late at night like now well alright, I'll admit it.... I miss you.
I miss a lot of people, and I miss things being simple...
Well, I didn't really do much this weekend. I was lazy, and I wanted to be. I sat around and read. A lot. And watched tv and movies and ate apple pie. It's great to be an absolute lazy ass from time to time.
I talked on the phone for hours because so many people are away. Now that I am past all the shitty things that happened this year I am more happy than I've been in about 2 years : )
So they figured out what is wrong with me! I have pneumonia! haha im just excited to have some meds and to know what is wrong. I've been sick for 10 days, but they said it might take up to 10 days for this to go away so that means most of August will have been spent sick : (
on a lighter note....today is my birthday! haha 18 fiiinallyyy yayy!
I am excited and want to eat lots of cake & go out and have fun but I think I might put that off at least a day or two cause I'm prettty damn sick ; )
I had to say goodbye to Danielle tonight : (
When did we all grow up?
So I've been feeling pretty sick, irritable, and just terrible. I have a cough, and my throat was really bothering me. Not like a sore throat but more towards the bottom of it, and I figured it might have been irritated from breathing in all the dust and shit when I was 4-wheeling on Tuesday. So I went back to the doctor's today and they decided to x-ray me and they found a lump in my throat. They don't know what it is yet but I am hoping for the best. I just want to get rid of whatever is wrong with me cause I don't want to feel like this.
I decided last-minute to just go to Quinsig for at least a year, save up $$$ and I have a great job that I was offered. I would babysit 3 days a week for $11 an hour, two kids, two streets away from me. Count me innnnnnnnnnn babeee! I would still work at the art museum too, but there's hardly any classes offered for the fall so I'd get only a few hours a week. Combined with the babysitting I'd be all set. I am excited about the perfect jobs but I have a feeling that I will be reeeeally bummed out once almost all of my friends are gone. It's bothering me not to have a much-needed change of scenery this year. I thought that this summer would be different, but I can't help but feel dissappointed...it's not in anyone, just in the circumstances. I am sick of dwelling on things I can't change, and tired of missing someone who doesn't even exist anymore. I want someone great to come and remind me that there are good people in the world.
I just want to be over him. I can't do this anymore, it's like my life keeps skipping back to the worst moment of it. I'm done.
I've spent my summer alone, I haven't even kissed anyone since him, it's pathetic.
I have work off this week and I am going to take next week off as well so that I can actually have some great memories of friends this summer to look back on. They are all leaving in a few weeks and I am really sad that I didn't spend as much time with them as possible : [
I just want to see people and be happy like I should be in my summer after senior year! my goodness!
I don't know what to do anymore.
Get me out of here! aaaaahhhhhhh
It is 3 AM. I'm awake and I should be sleeping, but I just can't stop THINKING. I tried to nap the other day for four hours and i never really fell asleep. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I think it's just this strange time in my life that is getting to me. It's getting harder to think clearly with so many thoughts running through my head about right now, my past, and what I want in the future. I've been getting lost in things to come rather than right now, and I know I just need to take a step back and breathe. Hopefully I can find some peace, because right now nothing I am doing is making me feel any better. I've been having so much fun I can't even explain it, but at the same time I want to get away so badly. I want to go somewhere new...but with who? Who is the one person who I would want there with me? I used to know. It just reminds me of how disappointed I am over the way things have turned out in many situations. This morning I was supposed to go out, but didn't even have the motivation to do so. I sat down at the kitchen table filled with flowers and cards for me, and I thought about him. How I wish that I had seen his face in the crowd of people. I wish I could go back to three years ago where there was no possible way we would turn out like this. I wish I'd done it right, and at least that way if we failed I would truly know that it was meant to be. I wish he had done it right, too. I learned a hell of a lot these past 4 years, and I guess I might not have if I didn't learn the hard way, but now I guess I'm reaping the consequences. ha. I thought that's what was happening a year ago...I didn't have a fucking clue.
I wish I was better at showing people what I mean. Most of the time I never even talk about the things that are actually REALLY bothering me to my best friends. If they asked I would be honest, but there's no reason to bring up things that I'm trying to not think about. I guess I just see them so happy, and there's no way that I'd want to mention how I am not. I don't know why it is so hard for me to get things out right. I just don't think there's any way for them to get it. Nope. But I wish they would because it would sure help them to get why I can be distant at times- It's just how I deal, I need it. I will be okay, and at least I know what I need to do in order for that to happen haha. It's not really how I'm feeling...I am here. Always.
I am so overtired. I should get to bed, eh?
I have never known hurt like this.
I don't know how to make this go away except to let time heal me.